The Vault

“When you lose the drawstring of your hoodie back into the hood”

“Any military march that you ever hear.”

“The ever reliable kitchen utensil shaped like a spatula it scrapes it stirs it does it all.”

“Any member of any German football team that beats us in a penalty shootout every single time, the next guy steps up, the old German locksmith, because they unlock.”

“A tone that any bit of machinery from a boiler to a car, the note it emits when you know something has gone awry. And you don't know that noise from before. You're thinking, hang on a second, it doesn't normally make that noise. Where is that humming coming from, guys? It's the old Scottish note. That's the old Scottish note. The first noise that tells you something's about to go dreadfully wrong.”

“You're outside, you're wearing a T-shirt this summer day, or you've got no shirt on at all. And suddenly you just feel something sort of spiky on your back that just makes you panic. Very itchy. Just somewhere. Oh! Oh! The old Caledonian thistle. That's the old Caledonian thistle. That's what that is. Just on your shirt. It's just something. It's like, oh! And you never actually find out what it is. It could have been something like a shirt, bit of fabric. Anything could have been an insect.”

“That question, in any interview, is the one you slip up on. Oh, the trick question.”

“Sometimes you go to a hotel abroad, and you realise that they have got Russian guests in the place because of what's being sold in terms of men's fashion. And you get like a purple suit, yeah? Like a purple suit with a green shirt. And then at the bottom will be these unfeasibly long shoes that have to be long because they go so thin at the end that you... That's the old Russian flip. Yeah, you're about six inches. You can't... The last six inches of the shoe, you can't get any toe in there. Well, unless you've got one very long big toe. and sort of sneak in. Or middle toe. Yeah. And also, it's a purple shoe made of ostrich. Wow. It costs like eight grand. Yeah. That's a Russian flipper.”

“Just one night in the cells, just for drunkenness.”

“Always the northerner who got there first, no matter how remote it is. Whatever part of the world. Who's always there, dropping in barrel light, you know, like I'm in Blackbeard. I wouldn't bother with that, mate. It's rubbish. The chips are good.”

“When something comes up that's not quite what you expected.”

“Sometimes when you come in from a really late night that's actually an early morning, it's someone you look around and you think, why's he up?”